may 29th

Entry for May 29, 2007 working day after a three day weekend....after tears of missing the one....who is not....those silent days......days without breathing...the pause too long....forgetting my place in the here and now...and yet moving forward....looking ahead....dreaming of freedom to be where i please....longing for place where i am not....the torn emotion of wanting..having...losing....gaining....imagine....life could be anything....and life is........a whole other color.....a whole other reality.....than the one i am wanting to dive into...the passing of time....still waiting on the good news....the news in green....but nothing is moving forward...and that results in my long face and worried heartbeat from time to time....i'm getting tired again...i need a break for a longer time....in another time....away from.......and yet i compromise everyday on things i would have never considered before...i analyze the passing of time...how quickly she grows....how quickly i am aging......parallel to her growing....and with aging comes a new understanding of the word fear....the word..... love .....perhaps we should meet someday......i resign too easily....i don't scare quickly but i experience fear in a deeper sense....fear of not being able to tell enough....touch in just the right places....caress those thoughts that continue to grow up with me and those that form from becoming yet another transformation of self.....into self....with bigger vision....with more to lose.......with bigger baggage from the past...one might say it's wisdom......courage.....emotional intelligence....gravity of thought....makes me laugh.....making a million decisions in a day about other people's well being....about their near future....i decide who stays..who goes.....and give hundreds of reasons why.......to my people.....to clients....to their parents...chaos is what is in writing today....no one current of thought just a whole lot of directions ....highway of logical evolution....i crack myself up.....in chaos i give you those words.......