It has been a long time since I have left a word...my latest fascination is the Nokia Symbian OS and how to navigate the platform that is keeping me pretty busy and also the continued observation of the fact that N95-3 and N95 *GB is about to be released....can't wait keep you posted cheers

it's been a while

it's been a while since i visited and wrote something, this past weekend i went to visit with an old friend of mine who lives in iowa...it was interesting...small town....with difficult populations to work with and have much success...i don't know how he does it...his two year old son is great and took a liking to me to my surprise and i think his parent's too....it was a very short visit but we have not seen each other in years so it was good to revisit old times and chat a bit...it was unbelievably hot during my visit even worse than here....i hope that one day he will end up where he wants to be in life both professionally and personally we will see...work .......is work ......worker quit...another one got lost somewhere ehhhh waste of breath to talk about daily things that occur one might think that its surreal life and perhaps parts of it are...have a good one ......cheers

well he stays....i have no idea how to undo him in this entry....anway i have been a little unfair to my English writing for i have been devoting most of my time creating a new blog that is in my native tongue......it has been a lot of fun and a bit of work....figuring it all out and not losing info has been a challenge...i have not forgotten about my other side of the journal....i will continue to provide you wtih good treatment and some forward ideas....today is a sad day.....but i will not go in depth into reasons why.....just dont feel like repeating myself....will jot something another time...till then cheers....

Monday

Monday.......what can one say about Monday.........its not my favorite day of the week...that is for sure....my favorite day of the week.....Thursday and Saturday........don't feel like dipping in ink today....cheers

jury duty

almost forgot that I had to make myself present at jury duty next week...a co-worker of mine started talking about her jury duty this past week and I almost fainted with fear that I had missed my responsibility. luckily none of that happened. all is taken care of and in good, sane standing...looking forward to a little fam. time at a children's concert tomorrow morning....and later bonfire with friends at a camp site it should be entertaining and peaceful in the woods....more to come later.

too personal

.........and people get so personal over things that should not be so touchy....if we subject ourselves or our work....creation to critique then what is it that we truly expect to see....solely praise and congrats even when the piece presented is rubbish...........I think NOT!!!! so as I subject my writing to the critique of others ..........I seek feedback....for I want to learn more....experiment with form....variations.....content everything....and yes at this very moment in time i am talking specifically about my writing that i publish at poetry portals in few languages....it frustrates me to no end that people would expose their work to the light of day and then pout because its not the kind of feedback that they were expecting....the rest is herstory.........g'day

footsteps

of footsteps one can talk in endless lines....for those are our announcers of so many events, occurrences, moments that pass....and in front of my office the constant traffic of footsteps gives me a headache and a constant sensation of stand by until those very footsteps walk in through the door............

May 16th

Entry for May 16, 2007 Few days ago...another death....another silent moment....today we are trying to pick up pieces not of our lives...and yet it is just as difficult just as cumbersome to dive into somebody's grief, trauma, loss.....and there are so many that remain....so many that stay behind and need to make sense of the tomorrows to come....of the road ahead into the next hour...day......month......life is a passing luxury....lets not forget how easily it can be lost.

May 17th

Entry for May 17, 2007 One could say that summer is coming, looking at the passing days and months towards the sun....in reality the weather has been playing with our sense of what we know the weather should be vs. what it truly is. May as a month is a interlude to warmth.....sun.....some showers....this May is stained with blood and coolness I can't frankly recall from the past few years. Pouring rain, the rejuvenating force that comes alive and is so welcome....when it comes to promise of a better tomorrow.....Last night soaked and cold I climbed all hundred stairs in my home....in the hallway dropped my wetness on the floor....tip toed and left marks on the stone tiles of the kitchen floor....begun making dinner and only occasionally had it occur ed to me that routine as much as it is needed is also very exhausting....I looked out the window pouring rain again marking the world....sneaking into the night making me want to go out and drive through the streets....destination unknown

May 18 th

Entry for May 18, 2007 Sitting in the office eating a splendid fresh strawberry birthday cake of one of my co-workers. Her husband made it in a kitchen of a famous hotel with a chef's oversight.....mmmmmm so yummy one wants to dip the tip of their nose into the cake.....delve into the richness of whipped cream......sink into the aroma of fresh strawberries towering over the creation.....amazing taste...way to go A.....y...you did a great job and made my Friday mighty tasty.....the rest well.........the rest is only official dinner after work, for work.......it seems working never ends....always on the go....there are not enough days in the week-weekend that are free of labor....free of trying to make it meaningful....rich in contrasts that are worth doing it day in and day out....I love my job....I love the fact that it drives what I stand for...it screams justice....it whispers pain of so many.....it silences the hunger.........it challenges me and there is no better way to feel.....that is not always surely the case......thinking overall it still has meaning for me..........and I know that I make a difference .......that what I do changes lives...........even tho I don't always get to see the final result......I know it's there.........

May 21

Entry for May 21, 2007 Monday.....another day one might say....today is a sleep all day- day.....wrestle with blankets day.......I don't feel like being at work today...weekend was great...we got to hang out with our 'new' friends and we had a blast....went to see Shrek3 that made me laugh so hard the whole theater could hear me....it was a good weekend....except for the longing for another....missing the one that is so close yet reality sets its own standards for existence and makes it a challenge more often than not.....and those are the longest hours....the inbetween's of everyday....when I'm not.........where I'm wishing I could be....to hold...touch...embrace....another reality....the second half of my world....the world I share with love.....desire....whisper....missing.....months roll into years and it's not enough....never enough time........always the wrong hour........but when we finally touch.....its magic.......weekend was good.............missing is a part of life..........my missing........I'm still learning..........for centuries to come.........

May 22

Entry for May 22, 2007 the running around and having to catch up on sleep....on life....on piles of 'important papers' on the desk....and today once i got to the office a friend of mine comes to my office with an announcement of her leave....quickly she proceeds to tell me that her mother was also diagnosed with cancer and she is going to North Carolina to spend time with her....and assist for the next month or so....she held back her tears like a 'big' girl when in fact it was not necessary...we talked for a while....she started to smile....she knows that she is making a good choice of leaving in this very moment of her life and attend to things that matter....family....life....chance.....opportunity for another encounter with good.....with promising.......with faith..........what is faith anyway....how heavily we rely on faith.....amazing strength in abstract idea and permission for its existence.....and tomorrow is another day....another permission from life to go on.....to stand and fight our own insecurities....our own weak spirit.....but only at times, for most of the time we stand tall.....strong......assured.....secure.....ready for a new challenge....ready for the sun to rise and warm our bodies.....bring yet another promise of life.....wanting....the creek of rejuvenation......and yet we battle life every day alone....yet together....just to be called human.......to co-exist in what we think we need....and live......how we think we ought to.....do we have enough strength to question convention.....and status quo.....I hope so for decades....centuries.....endless nights to come......strength in one........one makes many...........many support one and one may one day change the world...........i would like to live to see that day...........

May 23rd

Entry for May 23, 2007 The heat has been a nice change we are almost in June after all....but weather and natural wonders have always been on their own agenda.....apart from human want for a change of seasons....sleepy again...not sure why I feel this way...I think I slept...but again my body is telling me otherwise....long weekend is coming up...it will be nice to take a moment longer and just not have to be here.....there is always an underlying feeling of wanting to be somewhere else...in the woods....walking side by side....laughing....smoking crazy amounts that result in coughing and thirst....enjoying the sun on the bank of the river....smell of water and brush of wind against my skin...I need a long vacation....away from.....apart from.....as a child one never thinks about vacation as a luxury rather as a given as school comes to an end....as seasons change and nature starts booming with evolution into yet another state.....as a child vacation is something given....obvious that one deserves the time away from everyday...as an adult it becomes increasingly more difficult to be able to take time off.....job demands....reality........mundane repetitions of days in and days out....make it very hard to get away....to pretend like we are young again and fearless....we lose so much of us as we get older....as we begin to understand more of what the world expects from us....of what every day people want us to do........and how they want us to live.......we fall into the trap of expectations....and its one that is hard to release self from....lets escape for a while longer

May 24th

Entry for May 24, 2007 Another endless hours of meeting to arrive at the same conclusion, our staff is not trained to handle it........what is it? the very thing that they get hired to actually do !!! This is what gets me every time, they are not ready....we are not ready....the system is not ready to handle such volume....intensity.....volume....and the list goes on....so when are they going to be finally ready to do their job....or at least attempt to do their job....the problem is always the same and always simple....we do not have the right support in the right places across the board....so we end up being everything for everyone without having someone for us to fall back on and process and get feedback and .....and....and.....so we are rolling out a new program...and again people get trained in it....but now what....how do we implement agency wide....how do we support people that are supposed to be doing it everyday with clients.....???? and then i sit back and relax...because the bottom line for me...is that it's not my program and I don't really have to worry about it....but I still do....in order to support my co-worker who will be implementing it with his team...and i need to sit down with him and listen to him vent.....tell me all about ......what is happening and what is not and how to make those thing happen.....so that is just a footnote of life in the office...a glimpse into....the reality of 'it has to be done yesterday'....and what will happen if one day...we are told that 'it has to be done next week'.....the end of an era for sure.....only whose...........that remains to be seen....

may 29th

Entry for May 29, 2007 working day after a three day weekend....after tears of missing the one....who is not....those silent days......days without breathing...the pause too long....forgetting my place in the here and now...and yet moving forward....looking ahead....dreaming of freedom to be where i please....longing for place where i am not....the torn emotion of wanting..having...losing....gaining....imagine....life could be anything....and life is........a whole other color.....a whole other reality.....than the one i am wanting to dive into...the passing of time....still waiting on the good news....the news in green....but nothing is moving forward...and that results in my long face and worried heartbeat from time to time....i'm getting tired again...i need a break for a longer time....in another time....away from.......and yet i compromise everyday on things i would have never considered before...i analyze the passing of time...how quickly she grows....how quickly i am aging......parallel to her growing....and with aging comes a new understanding of the word fear....the word..... love .....perhaps we should meet someday......i resign too easily....i don't scare quickly but i experience fear in a deeper sense....fear of not being able to tell enough....touch in just the right places....caress those thoughts that continue to grow up with me and those that form from becoming yet another transformation of self.....into self....with bigger vision....with more to lose.......with bigger baggage from the past...one might say it's wisdom......courage.....emotional intelligence....gravity of thought....makes me laugh.....making a million decisions in a day about other people's well being....about their near future....i decide who stays..who goes.....and give hundreds of reasons why.......to my people.....to clients....to their parents...chaos is what is in writing today....no one current of thought just a whole lot of directions ....highway of logical evolution....i crack myself up.....in chaos i give you those words.......

may 30th original date

and it's all over - you say exhaustion - only a second of a universe closing my wings- i lose life slower in sitting sunny fence will not support my breath this piece also exists in another language....the original.....this is just a mere translation but i happen to like this one too...knowing languages makes it easy to play with words...on words...in words....it also makes it painfully clear that so much gets lost in translation...in meaning....in power of the word........and because of that we can make of meaning anything and any statement we make....it truly is amazing....reading.....hearing....listening.......each one of us will get something different out of it....the world of written and spoken word is pure magic....one to carry our stories through tomorrow......and as i write this i lose further desire to write for the moment....perhaps another particle of time will suit me better to compose on paper.............

june 1st original date

.........and people say its life........i say surely...it makes all the sense for it to be called life....the series of continuous 'unfortunate events'....the magic chain of experience and falling becomes a way of life....an adventure in survival.......the everyday....the commonsense that is not so common.........waste of time trying to explain why now why this moment....nobody can predict a moment in time when one feels used up and spit up by life....by routine.....and it crawls under the skin with much hope for another tomorrow....a brighter day ahead....yes it's all true and all real....but how much of this can one take...........? apparently and awful lot since we do it to ourselves every day by choosing life...by choosing challenge... in the corridor as square as my mind i venture and crave a challenge for in challenge i become another i come closer to self another day in the office....'e' is leaving today is her last day and on sunday morning she is flying out to north carolina....good for her...its a place where she belongs....on the crossroads...if i knew how to pray i would for all that is ahead of her...but since i don't.....i will think of her often and of the tremendous wave that she is about to board....good luck and be well......and as for us well.........days in the office go on ....only people and faces change......

june 4th original date

another rainy day....sleepy day.....day when motivation touches the inner layer and abandons its mission.....this kind of a day....the gloomy.....bedroom only day....to play in the blankets....in the warmth of someone Else's body....this is a day to remember what it is like to run through puddles....shiver with cold and still be happy about this amazing nature driven opportunity... they say that latitude of logic does not begin with human... and the rain has become a longing....for a moment other than today....the tears of all transformed into a universal language of rain....water we find everywhere falling from the sky.....no more for i will find myself too deep into the moments that are hard to describe.....perhaps another time.....yes another time

june 6th original date

my mind is under construction....no deep thought escapes....all pass momentarily

june 18th original date

tho mind is still playing tricks and is very much so under construction the hum underneath it all is fresh and motivated......taking the rainy direction....humid and sticky .....again i get stuck in the suppositions and what if's so i will leave this not even defined topic for later.....perhaps maybe never.........its raining in my head ......

summer days

The summer days one might say are full of sun....full of us living the moments outdoors....sharing with those we love....enjoy being around with.....care about....days when we invite the sun to be a part of our journey....part of that next step forward...summer days for me are sometimes not so sunny....sometimes not so happy.....they are quiet...contemplative.....solemn.....celebrating those who are no longer here with us....who have been missing....who speak the silence of a morning breeze and the whisper of upcoming evening....those are the days......when within self and the painful memories come gentle touches of happiness for in misery one will find joy....laughter....need to share with those that still remain...that are a part of our world.....everyday......july 13 is one of those days.......but there are many more days in the summer that I celebrate in common journey with those who are not.....

first day

trying to find all kinds of outlets...moments that are only mine...within myself for my thoughts....for questions...for silence that results in movement forward....this is my time ....i have moments of writing all the time and then dry desert of wanting to write....usually i have no time and then i lose my consistent....writing oh well we will see how this blog works out...so far this is just the initial entry into this world.